Grocery Store Truisms
(Also, Because I Got High at the Grocery Store)

Think of it as a Murphy's Law of the Grocery Store. Having worked almost two years in one, I put together a list of everything that's guaranteed to go wrong when something happens. Work it itself and you'll find it's true. All of it. The list is not limited to grocery stores, either - it can apply to any retail field or store. So just sit back, relax and remember: Murphy was the eternal optimist.
All of these truisms are taken from the experience I garnered (and am still garnering). They're up here for humor - if you don't like them, I don't care. Learn to laugh a little.

The amount of change recieved from customers is directly proportional to the amount of change in your till.

The amount of change given to customers is inversely proportional to the amount of change in your till.

When performing a task for a customer, no less than five customers will interrupt you while performing said task.

Sugar and flour are slicker than water.

You will always have one customer during your shift that you end up running the width and breadth of the store to please.

They will usually leave the store angry despite this.

Carts are not limited to the parking lot.

A large amount of customers will always enter five minutes before closing.

You must physically block a register before customers understand that it's closed. Lights are irrelevant.

You will always find groceries put back at the strangest locations.

Customers will never put fresh meat and other cold foods back into a cooler.

Items purchased with "free item" coupons are never free.

You must always buy one item to get one free.

You cannot get a raincheck on an item that says, "While Supplies Last".

Items that are "While Supplies Last" never last.

Large orders always expand by one cart.

Orders bagged in paper expand faster than ones bagged in plastic.

The question "Paper or plastic?" no longer exists.

Customers never look at shelf tags to see if that item is really "buy one get one free."

They are also hostile when they discover said item "didn't scan correctly".

The amount of coupons recieved is inversely proportional to the amount of groceries bought.

Anything that can scan wrong, will scan wrong - or not at all.

Because I Got High at the Grocery Store
(Sung to the tune of Because I Got High by Afroman)

I was gonna get a job, but I was high
I'd make more than my roommate Rob, but I was high
I work in a grocery store now, and I know why
Because I got high

I was gonna hang that sign, but I was high
I wouldn't fall off the ladder and die, but I was high
I broke my skull wide open, and I know why
Because I got high

I was gonna serve up some food, but I was high
I would have used some soap now dude, but I was high
I got sick for three days, and I know why
Because I got high

They told me to stock the shelves, but I was high
I thought they could do it themselves, but I was high
There was nothing in the morning, and I know why
Because I got high

They asked me to cut some meat, but I was high
It wasn't that big of a feat, but I was high
I cut off my finger, and I know why
Because I got high

I was gonna stock the smokes, but I was high
I swore I wouldn't toke, but I was high
The store almost burned down, and I know why
Because I got high

They gave me some cakes to make, but I was high
I set how long they'd bake, but I was high
They turned into rocks, and I know why
Because I got high

They sent me to unload the truck, but I was high
I shot some hockey pucks, but I was high
They charged me for the Ding-Dongs, and I know why
Because I got high

So I went into work while I was high
I told off that stupid jerk because I was high
He laid me off on the spot, and I know why
Because I got high