Battle of the Video Game Heroes
(Mario is alone at Marioís Pad, sleeping. A loud knock from the door sends him flying out of bed.)
Mario: What?! Iím-a trying to sleep here!
Toad: (from the door) I have a letter! From the castle.
Mario: Iím sleeping!
Toad: Itís from Peach!
Mario: Okay, okay, Iím coming...
(He goes to the door and takes the letter. It reads, "Dear Mario:
Please come to the castle. Iíve baked a cake for you. Yours truly, Princess Toadstool - Peach")
Mario: Mama mia! I thought I smelled something funky this morning!
(He thinks for a second, walking in place.)
Mario: Not this again! If I donít go, sheíll kill me - if I do, sheíll kill me with her cooking! (eyes light up) Okay, Iíll go. I can at least stuff all the food in my pockets.
(He walks out the door, tripping over Toad in the process.)
Toad: Hey! Whereís my tip?
Mario: Oh No! (jumps into the warp pipe)
Toad: Come back here! I gotta have my tip! (jumps in after Mario)
(Mega Man comes out of Peachís kitchen, slightly singed)
Mega Man: Okay, the fireís out!
Peach: Thanks Mega Man. I think that one got away from me.
Luigi: Get away? What are you trying to cook in there?
Peach: A victory cake for Mario!
Luigi: A VICTORY CAKE? Why not me?!
Mega Man: Neither of you DID anything.
Luigi: But why not me?
Peach: Well, it turned out better than my brownies.
Mega Man: Thatís a matter of opinion. Even Kirby wouldnt touch it.
Samus: We should really get this catered.
Link: Wow! Great idea, Samus!
(Samus punches Link)
Link: Ow! What did I do?!
(Samus blasts Link with her cannon)
Samus: You talked. Be quiet.
(Link goes off to sulk and mumble in the corner)
(Mario jumps out of the warp pipe.)
Mario: Ha ha! You canít catch me! Iím-a Mario!
(Toad jumps out)
Toad: Iím faster (huff) than you! Iíll (puff) catch you eventually!
(Mario continues walking ahead of Toad)
Mario: Yup! You sure are! Youíll get me eventually!
(The two walk onto a net concealed in the ground which springs up as they pass)
Bowser: Hahaha! I have you now, Princess... Peach?! Since when did you grow stubble?
Mario: Iím-a not Peach! Iím-a Mario!
Bowser: Mario?! Hmm... Iíve never caught Mario before...
(Bowser turns around. A lone Koopa Troopa walks up to him.)
Koopa: (whispers) Maybe you should take him to your dungeon...
Bowser: Shut up! Not while Iím thinking! (punts Koopa)
Koopa: Waaaah! (disappears over horizon)
Bowser: Aha! Iíve got a great idea! Iíll throw Mario into my dungeon! (turns around) Mario, Iím gonna... huh?
(Mario has nearly escaped from the net)
Mario: Just a little higher...
Toad: Get offa my head!
Bowser: Oh no you donít!
(Bowser grabs Toad by the leg and pulls him out from under Mario, who falls on Toadís back.)
Mario: Ow! My ankle!
Toad: Ow... my back...
Bowser: Ha! Marioís been incapacitated! Now to take him to my dungeon! Goombas!
(A troop of Goombas pulling a wagon come onto the path)
Bowser: Take Mario and load him onto the cart!
Goombas: But what should we do with the mushroom?
Toad: Iím... not... mush room... pain...
Bowser: Who? (looks at net) Oh, that. Leave him.
(The goombas take Mario out of the net and load him onto the cart. Bowser jumps on as well.)
Bowser: Alright: Goombas HO!
(The wagon runs over Toad)
Toad: Ow... pain... agony...
(The wagon carrying Mario and Bowser rolls off in the distance)
Bowser: Muahahahaha.... Now no one will know my plan...
(Five hours later at Peachís Castle)
Cranky:... and thatís how we did it in MY day!
Kirby: Didja have sponges?
(At the other end of the room)
Link: I wonder what theyíve been talking about all this time...
Samus: Are you talking again?
Link: No! I mean, no...
(Peach looks at the clock)
Peach: Mario should have been here by now... I sent Toad with that letter before I even started cooking! The smell should have reached him by now...
Mega Man: Unless the smell killed him.
Peach: I heard that! (nails Mega Man on the head with a frying pan)
Luigi: Maybe he just smelled it and decided not to come.
Peach: I heard that too! (nails Luigi with a frying pan)
Dr. Light: Maybe Dr. Wily got a hold of him!
Dr. Wily: Uh, no, Iíve been here all the time.
Dr. Light: IT WAS HIM! I just know it! Mega Man! Get him!
(Mega Man is out cold)
(Sonic and Tails walk in)
Sonic: Hey! Whatís that wonderful smell!
Tails: We could smell it across the whole island!
Sonic: So we got here as fast as we could!
(Outside there is a streak of flame dying down)
Peach: (smiles brightly) Well, at least somebody here appreciates my cooking!
Sonic and Tails: Wait a minute: YOU cooked?! Never mind.
Peach: WHY YOU!!!
(Sonic and Tails are hit with Peachís frying pan)
Cranky: Why back in my day, we didnít have frying pans! We had black pixels that vaguely resembled them! And you never heard a loud clang when you hit something with it! You just heard a bleep and the game continued! And we LIKED it that way!
Kirby: But didja have sponges?
(Mario is bound, gagged and shackled to the farthest wall in Bowserís deepest dungeon)
Bowser: Muahahaha! This is perfect! Now I can capture Peach at my leisure!
Goombas: Whatís "leisure?"
Mario: Mrmrmmr rmmrmr rrrmrmr mrmr! MRRR! RMrmrm r mrmrmr... (Translated: Leisure is your free time! OW! My ankle hurts...)
Bowser: Remind me why I have you goombas, and shut up.
(Toad is still lying on the ground)
Toad: Still... in pain...
(Many hours later)
Peach: (looks at clock) Gee, Mario still hasnít arrived. And I thought Zelda was coming too.
Link: Sheís in another castle.
Samus: I HEARD THAT! (blasts Link to the horizon)
Link: SAMMY-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU?! SAAAAaaaa... (disappears)
Samus: Not that again.
Luigi: Maybe we sould go look for him.
Mega Man: Sure, why not. Iíll go with you.
Sonic: Me too.
Tails: Me three!
(Peach gets up and blocks the door)
Peach: Oh no you donít! Youíre not skipping out on this one! Nobody leaves until theyíve had a piece of MY cake!
Luigi: (thinking quickly) But... uh... since this is Marioís... victory cake... he should have the first slice! It wouldnít be right if he didnít!
(Mega Man, Sonic and Tails nod their heads vigorously)
Peach: (thinks for a moment) Oh, all right. But Iím going wth all of you! Cranky, make sure nobody eats my cake!
Cranky: Nobody would, you young whippersnapper! In my day, we didnít have cake - good or bad! We just had...
Kirby: (cuts him off) Sponges?
(Luigi, Sonic, Tails, Mega Man and Peach look at Kirby, and bolt out the door)
Samus: Oh good, theyíre all gone. Now I can dispose of the rest of the cake.
Kirby: Save me a piece!
(Samus leers at Kirby, arms her flamethrower and runs into the kitchen)
(Later, at Marioís Pad)
(The search party comes out the door)
Peach: Well, we searched every square inch but we still didnít find Mario.
Luigi: Not even a pair of blue overalls.
Mega Man: But you have blue overalls.
Luigi: No, mine arenít blue! Theyíre navy!
(Mega Man stares at Luigi)
Sonic: You know, navy IS a shade darker than blue.
(Mega Man stares at Sonic)
Luigi: Now you should know this, being the Blue Bomber and all...
Peach: CAN WE GET ON WITH FINDING MARIO?!
(Luigi, Mega Man and Sonic all stare at Peach, and slowly back away)
(Tails flies bown from the roof)
Tails: Nope, heís not up here...
Peach: Well shoot! Where else could he be?
(Peach starts walking away from Marioís pad and steps on Toad)
Toad: My back...
Peach: STOP LOOKING UP MY DRESS! (kicks Toad)
Luigi: (steps forward) Hey! Didnít Toad come to Marioís to deliver the letter?
Mega Man: Yeah! Maybe he saw what happened!
(Luigi runs over to Toad)
Luigi: Toad! Toad! Speak to me!
Toad: Mario... is missing...
(Luigi drops Toad and quickly jumps away)
Luigi: Ack! None of that again!
Sonic: None of what again?
Tails: Oh he had some stupid educational game titled "Mario is Missing" where Luigi was the main character.
Sonic: (looks at Tails) How would you know that?
Tails: Oh, I heard it... from some place... (backs away from Sonic)
(Peach kneels down next to Toad)
Peach: Is Mario here?! Where is he? Is he around here somewhere?
Toad: Thank you Peach... but our plumber... is in... another castle!
Mega Man: Wow. A P word to replace it and everything!
Peach: Where is he... now?
(Toad passes out from the pain)
Peach: WAKE UP!
Toad: Ack... huh?
Peach: WHERE IS HE NOW?!
(Everybody backs away from Peach)
Peach: Tell me where Mario is or Iíll do something to your back that would not in any way, shape or form be good.
Toad: That way... wagon tracks.
(Everybody leaves Toad to follow the wagon tracks)
Toad: Donít... forget... about me...
(Bowser is in Marioís cell)
Bowser: What do you think? I canít get her to like me at all, even with all the nice things I do for her...
Mario: Mrrm?! Mrmrm rm rmrmnmr rmmr rm rrrmr! (Nice?! How could anything you do be considered "nice"!)
Bowser: Well, I got her those cooking lessons...
(Goomba walks in)
Goomba: My lord: The Princess Radar just wenít haywire!
Mario: Mrmrmr rmr mrmr? (Princess Radar?)
Bowser: What? Then she must be at the front gate! Places everyone! Have Mario taken to the throne room!
Goomba: ... What?
Bowser: Do it! Do it now!
Goomba: Okay! Okay! Whatever you say boss!
(Goomba loosens Mario from the wall and his gag falls off)
Mario: OW! My ankle!
(Goomba drags Mario to the throne room and Bowser stomps up the stairs after them)
(Peach and her party are at the front gate)
Peach: Well, this is where the tracks stop. Bowserís Castle.
Luigi: I know this place well.
Peach: (looks at Luigi) Really? I thought youíve never been here.
(Luigi begins to cry)
Peach: Oh well. Anybody know how to get in here?
Mega Man: I have an idea.
(Mega Man walks up to the door and knocks)
(The doors spring open)
Mega Man: Well, that was fairly simple.
(The five of them enter)
Bowser: (over a mic) Welcome welcome welcome to the one, the only, Bowserís Castle OF DOOOOOM!
(Spotlights flood the throne room and circus music starts playing. Bowser is standing in front of his throne dressed in ringleader garb)
Bowser: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could direct your attention to the center ring...
(A spotlight flies up into the air and focuses on Mario, tied up and suspended from a rafter in the ceiling)
Bowser:... we have Mario, international Pain In The Proverbial finally getting the treatment he deserves!
Mario: MY ANKLE!
Peach: You monster!
Bowser: And if youíd like him back, you gotta come up here! (jumps onto a chandelier which starts rising rapidly) And if you canít...
(Goombas surround the group)
Bowser: ... youíll go straight to my dungeons!
(Sonic runs over to and up the wall, across the cieling and down the chain to the chandelier opposite Bowser. Tails grabs Peach and they fly up next to Sonic. Mega Man shoots out a Tornado Hold and jumps on top of it, riding it up to the chandelier. Luigi just jumps up.)
Bowser: WHAT?! But thatís not fair! Itís five on one!
Peach: (steps forward) Let Mario go!
Tails: (steps forward) Who else would save the Mushroom Kingdom?
Sonic: (looks at Tails) How would you know about that?
Tails: Just heard it... from a place... (steps away from Sonic)
Mega Man: (steps forward) Hand him over or Iíll blast you!
Luigi: Mega Man! Step back! Youíre gonna tip the chandelier!
(Everybody sees the chandelier beginning to tip and they quickly reposition themselves)
Bowser: Mua ha ha ha ha... That was great.
Peach: Hey! Heís the only one on there and he weighs more than all five of us combined!
Bowser: Hey! Iím big boned!
Peach: How come his doesnít tip?
(Everyone looks at Bowser)
Bowser: Lead weights. (points behind him)
(Link crashes through one window, cuts Mario down - onto Bowserís chandelier - and crashes through a window on the opposite side)
Mega Man: Well, that was completely pointless.
Peach: No, look!
(Mario struggles out of the ropes and transforms into Ninja Mario)
Ninja Mario: Ha ha!
(Ninja Mario falls over)
Ninja Mario: OW! My ankle!
Peach: Okay, maybe it WAS completely pointless.
Luigi: No, look!
(Marioís weight has thrown off the precious weight balance of Bowserís chandelier. It tips and they both fall off - straight down.)
(Bowser and Ninja Mario land with a thud)
Ninja Mario: OW! My other ankle!
(The lead weights fall off of Bowserís chandelier and onto Bowser)
(The five heroes look at the crumpled heap that is Bowser and Mario and wonder what just happened.)
Luigi: What just happened?
Peach: A better question - how do we get down?
Mario: Wow! Nice panties Peach!
(Peach turns beet red and jumps down on top of the Goombas)
Mario: (quickly) Thanks for rescuing me!
Peach: Is that what you think I was doing?
Mario: Er... yeah.
Peach: We were just looking for you so you could be the first for a piece of your victory cake!
Mario: (looks at Bowser) Take me back to the dungeon... please?
(Bowserís out cold.)
(Tails flies down next to Peach)
Tails: I donít mean to be a party pooper but how are we gonna get them down?
(Tails poins to Mega Man, Luigi and Sonic)
Peach: (looks up) I have an idea...
(Peach walks over to the wall where the chandelier is held in place)
Luigi: No... she wouldnít...
Mega Man: She couldnít...
Sonic: She is...
(Peach releases the lever holding the chandelier in place. It lands on Bowser with a nice, satisfying "thud.")
Bowser: Ow! My back...
Luigi: That was surprisingly soft, considering we landed on lead weights...
Tails: Donít forget that you landed on the lizard king!
Mega Man: Leave The Doors out of this!
Tails: No, no! Heís a lizard and a king!
Sonic: How would you know about that?
Tails: Itís obvious, isnít it? Why else would he have a castle?
Sonic: Oh... Yeah. That.
Peach: Luigi, would you mind carrying Mario back to the castle? He canít walk on his ankle...
Mario: Please have mercy brother... Iíll let you have another game!
Luigi: Iím afraid I canít. I have to suffer through it too. I heard she always carries one of her brownies with her...
(Mario passes out)
(Later, at Peachís Castle)
(Luigi walks in carrying Mario. Peach, Sonic, Tails and Mega Man follow.)
(Samus walks out of the kitchen)
Samus: Okay, I hit it with my flamethrower, I hit it with a charged shot, I even hit it with a mega missile. That cake is invincible!
(Booster and his Snifits walk out of the kitchen)
Booster: Boy, that was some gooooooood cake!
Kirby: Didja save me a piece?
Snifit #1: Come on, Booster! We have so little time and so many cakes to eat!
Snifit #2: Yeah, come on! Timeís a wastiní!
Snifit #3: Uh, yeah. What they said,
(Booster and the Snifits charge out the front door)
Peach: But what about my cake?
Samus: Not to worry. I ordered out.
(The doorbell rings. Samus goes over to answer it)
Samurai Pizza Cats: Pizzaís here!
(Much later, with much less pizza)
Mario: And thatís the rest of the story!
Luigi: Wow! I didnít know the scrawny little kid was Arnold Shwarzenegger!
Peach: Maybe we should order out more often.
Everybody: YES! DEFINITELY!
Samus: I donít know, I donít think my wallet can take another hit like that.
(Link suddenly smashes through the skylight and into the ground)
(Samus walks over and points her cannon at him)
Samus: Up you.
(Link staggers to his feet. Heís covered with banners from New York, Rome and Tokyo.)
Link: I know, know for sure that life is beautiful around the world.
(Peach gets up and smacks Link with a frying pan)
(Link flies off into the distance)
(Samus looks at Peach)
Peach: He missed my cake!
(Dr. Light runs in)
Dr. Light: I figured it out! Marioís disappearance was because of HIM! (points at Dr. Wily)
Mega Man: Eh, Dr. Light: It was Bowser.
Dr. Light: No, it was Dr. Wily! I know it! I have-
(A cow lands on Dr. Light)
Mega Man: Thanks, Cow King.
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